


The Motionless World of Time

by visionshadows



Series: The Howl Cycle [2]
Category: NSYNC, Popslash
Genre: Divorce, F/M, Future Fic, Infidelity, M/M, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-29 16:13:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/688910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/visionshadows/pseuds/visionshadows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>joey examines his life</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Motionless World of Time

* * *

_of fancy clients and good renown.  
_ _and what if none of their souls were saved?_

 

Joey leaned his head against the dirty glass window of the cab, closing his eyes against the sight of New York in the rain. There was no such thing as clean rain in New York anymore, and all rain did these days was make everything look dingier. It figured that it would start raining as soon as he stepped out of his house carrying a duffel bag. Kelly had probably planned it somehow. 

He looked at his watch before closing his eyes again, the glass cool against his forehead. He was supposed to be on the other side of town, having a nice romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant that Kelly loved. Instead he was in a cab on his way to his parents house on the Upper East Side. 

The cab driver dropped him in front of the stately brownstone he had purchased for them three years ago. He was ever-grateful that they accepted the gift of the house. This way he had a place to sleep every time Kelly kicked him out. 

Joey was sick of hotel rooms, sick of the blank walls and stiff sheets. If he was repeatedly forced to leave the comforts of his home by his wife, he wanted to end up somewhere familiar. Here he had a bed with soft sheets and pictures on the walls. His mom would make him breakfast and wash his laundry with his favourite fabric softener. Kelly never used the good fabric softener on the rare occasions when she actually did the laundry instead of having the maid do it. The maid didn't use the good fabric softener either. 

He keyed in the alarm code and let himself inside, dropping the duffel bag by the front door. He'd take it down to the basement later. The house was quiet for the most part, but Joey could hear the faint sounds of a football game coming from somewhere in the house - probably his parents' bedroom. His dad always did like to watch football in bed and since he was bedridden there'd been a lot of football. 

Phyllis stood at the top of the stairs, gazing down at Joey sadly. Whenever Joey showed up in the late evening with a bag, it was a bad sign. 

"Hi, Ma," Joey said quietly. "I didn't wake you, did I?" 

Phyllis shook her head, slowly walking down the steps. She had arthritis in her hips and knees now and Joey went over to the steps immediately to help her down. 

"Your father is watching a tape of the 2006 Superbowl at top volume. He took out his hearing aids already," Phyllis said tiredly. "Come on. I'll make you some food." 

"I'm not hungry, Ma," Joey said, helping her into the kitchen. "Where's your cane?" 

"I don't need to use that thing around my own house," Phyllis said, letting go of Joey's arm and heading over to the refrigerator. "I have some leftover pasta and chicken. I made it for your father's dinner. I'll heat that up for you." 

"Thanks." Joey sat down at the kitchen table, propping his chin up with his fists as he watched his mother putter around the kitchen. 

"I put clean sheets on your bed the other day," Phyllis set a beer in front of Joey along with some silverware and a napkin. "Your old sheets were filthy." 

Joey took a long drink of his beer, relishing in the cool liquid. "I meant to change them before I left. Kelly changed her mind so quick that last time." 

"What was it this time?" The microwave dinged and Phyllis took out the container of food, dumping it onto a plate. 

"She wants to take the girls to Paris over their spring break," Joey nodded his thanks when she put the food in front of him. "I can't go since I start rehearsals next week and performances in two weeks. I'd rather the girls be here then since it's Briahna's birthday. She told me that it wasn't my job to control her or her children. Then she told me that tonight was off and to get out of the house." 

Phyllis sat down across from him, her expression weary. "Maybe you should file the paper work this time." 

"I don't want a divorce. We'll work it out - we always do." 

"And every few months you end up here again," Phyllis reminded him gently. "How long are you going to do this to yourself?" 

"Well," Joey sighed. "Briahna's almost 11 and Sasha is 6. So another 12 years." 

Phyllis sighed again and patted his shoulder. "I'm going back to bed. Good night, honey." 

Joey kissed her cheek lightly. "Good night, Ma. Oh and happy Valentine's Day." 

 

* * *

 

Joey leaned against the door of the car, waiting for the school bell to ring. The girls usually took the school bus home, but he wanted to see them and explain. Of course, they'd heard it all before, but he always felt guilty about leaving them all the time. 

The school bell rang and students began to file out of the doors, heading for the school buses. Briahna came out first, waiting by the door for Sasha to come join her. Joey was glad that Briahna took care of her little sister. The five years between them didn't seem to matter. Joey was pretty sure that was due to the fact their home life was constantly fluctuating. 

Sasha came out with the rest of her class and sought out Briahna. She took her hand and let Briahna lead her to the bus. Joey pushed away from the car and headed over to where they were waiting in line. 

"Briahna! Sasha!" Joey called, waving to them. Briahna turned to him, letting go of Sasha's hand so Sasha could run over to him. 

"Hi, Daddy," Sasha said, burying her face against Joey's neck and hugging tightly. "I knew you'd come." 

Joey hugged her back, his arms around her back. "I always come pick you up." 

Briahna stood back a little, her arms crossed over her chest. Joey put Sasha back on the ground and held his hand out to Briahna. Reluctantly, Briahna took his hand and hugged him loosely. Joey rubbed her back gently before letting go and straightening up. 

"So, who wants to go visit Grandma?" 

"Mom is expecting us home," said Briahna quietly, her eyes sad as she looked at him. "We should get on the bus." 

"I talked to your mother already," Joey said. "She's not expecting you home until dinnertime. It's just the three of us for a little while." 

Sasha sidled up to Briahna, looking up at her hopefully. "Let's go see Grandma. Please." 

"Yeah, okay," Briahna said, taking Sasha's hand and walking to the car. Joey rubbed the back of his neck, knowing he was going to have another talk with Briahna about what was going on. "Grandma always has good cookies." 

 

* * *

  


Joey sat down on the couch next to Briahna, happy that his mom had taken Sasha out back to play with the dogs for a few minutes. Sasha knew what was going on, but accepted it at face value. She didn't really remember a time when Joey and Kelly weren't fighting. Briahna on the other hand had 6 years of happy memories before her parents started falling apart. 

"Hey, Brie," Joey said tentatively. "Can we talk?" 

Briahna shut her math book and looked over at her father. "Are you going to tell me anything new?" 

Joey sighed and put his arm around her shoulders. "I'm sorry, Briahna. I don't know how many times I can apologize for this. I wish things were different, but I don't know how to fix it." 

"Why don't you and Mom just get a divorce like normal people?" Briahna snuggled against his side, one hand resting on his stomach. "It would be a lot simpler then this." 

"Your mom and I have been together for a long time - almost 20 years," Joey drew her closer, remembering how she used to fall asleep on his lap when she was younger. "I've been with your mom for more than half of my life." 

"Maybe you aren't supposed to be with her forever. You're not happy and neither is Mom. Waking up in the morning and finding you gone and Mom drunk isn't exactly fun and reassuring for me and Sasha either." 

"Just be patient, baby doll," Joey said, tilting Briahna's chin up so he could see her face. "Please?" 

"Okay," Briahna said smally, looking away. "Can I go see the dogs with Grandmom and Sasha?" 

"Of course," Joey said, letting go of her. "You know I love you, right?" 

"Yeah, Dad. Of course I do." Briahna hugged him tightly, placing a small kiss on his cheek before slipping off the couch and running out back. Joey heard the back door slam loudly, the sound echoing through the house. 

"Don't slam the door!" 

"Sorry, Dad!" Joey shouted up the steps. His father apparently had his hearing aids in if he heard the door slam. "It was just Briahna. I'll remind her." 

"Okay," there was a pause and then another shout from the bedroom, "You wanna watch the game with me?" 

"How about we watch after dinner? I gotta get the girls back soon." Joey closed his eyes as he shouted at the ceiling. Joe was currently confined to bed rest and refused to use the intercom system. Joey spent most of his time home shouting at the ceiling to talk to his father. 

"Okay!" 

The house was silent again and Joey thought about Briahna's familiar plea. Most kids don't want their parents to get divorced, but Briahna had been suggesting it for the past year - maybe even longer if Joey really thought hard about it. He knew he'd never get full custody of them and the thought of shuffling his children back and forth between himself and Kelly was upsetting. 

Of course, he thought sadly, they were already doing that only without the court order and the legal divorce.

 

* * *

  


  
Joey walked into the small restaurant, scanning the room before seeing Lance near the back. He headed over, a smile on his face. Lance rose when he approached and the two of them hugged. He kissed Lance's cheek like he always did, making Lance laugh and kiss his cheek in return. 

Cole was sitting in a high chair, smiling broadly as he played with a few toy cars. "Unca Joey!" 

Joey leaned over and ruffled the boy's hair, kissing the top of his head soundly. "How ya' doin', kiddo?" 

Cole held up one of his cars. "Daddee buy me new car. Red. Go vrooooom!" 

Joey took the car and inspected it thoroughly, peering at it as Cole watched intently. He ran the car over the palm of his hand, nodding slowly. Lance watched in bemusement. 

"I must say," Joey handed the car back to the happy boy. "That is one nice car. Your father has good taste." 

"Poppy's car red too," Cole said seriously. "Red car fast. Poppy at work." 

"Ryan's working late?" asked Joey, flipping the menu open with one hand, the other working on taking off his coat. 

"Ryan's working constantly," Lance said dryly. "Cole and I could have stayed home for all the time we get to spend with him." 

"Yeah, but then you wouldn't get to see me," Joey grinned at him. "Besides, it does you good to get out of Orlando every so often. You're turning into a suburban housewife, Lance." 

"Well except for the not being a wife part, you're right," Lance admitted, taking a drink of his water. "Speaking of wives, how's yours?" 

The waiter came over, thankfully giving Joey a few more minutes to think of how to answer that question. Cole spoke happily to the waiter, waving his hands around. 

"He'll just have the spaghetti and meatballs," Lance said after Cole tried to order 'nana splits and sody for dinner. "And a glass of milk." 

The waiter nodded, smiling at the little boy. Cole was a charmer through and through. Joey and Lance ordered quickly, both of them getting a scotch with their meals. 

"Daddee," Cole said, squirming in the high chair. "No want gehttis. 'Nana splits." 

"You can have a banana split for dessert if you eat all of your dinner like a good boy," Lance said calmly, handing Cole a colouring book and some crayons. "Why don't you colour a picture to give to Poppy when he comes home tonight?" 

That seemed to satisfy Cole and he began to colour happily, humming to himself and kicking his legs. Joey smiled at him, thinking wistfully about when his own kids had been that age. 

"Don't think I won't ask again," Lance said, breaking Joey's reminiscing. "You might as well answer." 

"She kicked me out," Joey said, spreading his napkin on his lap. "Five days ago. I've been living at Mom and Dad's in the basement and spending the afternoons with the girls." 

"So this makes two times since January," Lance said casually. "And it's only the middle of February. Is she trying to break her own record here?" 

"Lance," Joey said coolly. "This isn't just Kelly. I'm not a peach to live with lately either." 

"I lived with you for years," Lance said firmly. "Hell, we all lived on top of each other for years and we didn't have this many problems. I think you really need to consider changing your life, Joey." 

"I don't want to get a divorce." 

"Do you want to keep living like this?" asked Lance seriously. 

"Of course not," Joey slumped back in his chair, pressing his thumb and forefinger to the bridge of his nose. "If I could get her to go back to marriage counseling, maybe things would get better." 

"I don't know how many times I've heard you say that before." 

"I'm just not willing to give up," Joey looked at him sadly. "For all the crap she puts me through and the mood swings and anger we hold towards each other, I love her and she loves me. We've been doing this for a long time, Lance; longer than I've even known you. I won't let go if there's still something to fight for."

Cole dropped the blue crayon on the ground and immediately started trying to climb out of the high chair. Lance stopped him with a firm hand and bent over to get the crayon. Cole began to colour again happily, the whole paper turning blue under his broad strokes. 

Lance broke off a piece of one of the breadsticks, chewing slowly. He swallowed and gave Joey a small smile. "You know that whatever you decide to do, I'll support you. I won't stop butting in and trying to help you out, but I'll support you either way." 

"I know," Joey said gratefully. "I count on that." 

Lance looked over at his son who had his tongue sticking out of his mouth while he concentrated. He smiled at that before looking back at Joey. 

"Well hey. We're going to be here for at least a month or two. This case is going to drag on for awhile," Lance said, his voice slightly bitter. "Why don't you come stay with us in the penthouse? We have two extra bedrooms and I could use the company. It sure beats staying in the basement of Mom and Dad's." 

Joey nodded a little. "Sure. They're not the fun, rockin' parents they used to be. Dad takes out his hearing aid too early in the evening and watches TV at top volume while Mom knits and yells at him. When did they get so old?" 

"When did _we_ get so old?" Lance asked in return. "Do you realize that Chris is going to be 40 in October?" 

Joey groaned. "Don't remind me." 

"At least he won't be a mopey mess this year," Lance paused when their waiter brought their food and drinks. Cole's eyes widened when he saw his plate of spaghetti and Lance quickly took away the toys and colouring implements. "Wait just a minute, Cole. Let me cut up the food for you." 

Cole squirmed in the chair, watching Lance cut the food. Joey took the opportunity to pour the glass of milk into the sippy cup Lance had waiting. It amazed him how good Lance was at this fathering stuff.

When Lance was finally finished and Cole was happily munching on spaghetti, Joey began to eat his meal as well, barely tasting the tender chicken. 

"Have you talked to Chris recently?" asked Joey, sipping his scotch. 

"We actually saw both him and Justin a couple days before we flew up here," said Lance, cutting up his roast beef. "They got back from Toronto and made the rounds. Of course that's just JC and myself right now, so it went quick." 

"Do you really think it's going to work this time?" asked Joey seriously. He was only partially asking about the relationship and Lance knew that. With Justin, there was never one side to the question. 

"Well," Lance said, holding his glass in one hand. "I think they both really want it to work this time. We all know that Chris has been following Justin around for years, waiting for Justin to wake up and notice him again. And provided Justin stays on his medication and keeps up his end of the deal - therapy and whatnot - they should be able to do it. They were really happy when we saw them." 

"Unca Jusin play horsie," Cole said through a mouthful of spaghetti. "Allll over." 

"Chew and swallow before you talk," Lance reprimanded him gently. 

Cole finished chewing and spread his arms expansively. "Me an' Unca Jusin play in my sandbox and horsie and on my swings." 

Joey looked over at Lance, his eyebrows raising slightly. "Justin willingly got dirty?" 

Lance nodded, swallowing a bite of food. "They played for a good long time. I don't think he's done that in years. Not since your girls were young. He's really trying this time." 

"He bottomed out pretty badly this last time," Joey said sadly. "Maybe it finally hit him that he needs help." 

Lance hummed a little, leaning over to wipe off Cole's face with a napkin. The boy protested, squirming in the high chair. Lance finished and crumpled the napkin up leaving it on the table. 

"Perhaps," Lance smiled at Joey, taking another bite of his roast beef and chewing casually. Joey finished up his chicken and sat back, sipping his scotch and watching Cole play with his food. "I want them to be happy." 

Joey looked over at him, "Of course you do. We all want them to be happy." 

"I want all of you to be happy, Joey," Lance said quietly, but firmly. "Remember that." 

Joey reached across the table and squeezed Lance's hand. "I know, Lance." 

 

* * *

  


  
Joey heard the front door open, the jingle of keys being tossed on the table in the foyer. He looked at his watch absently, waiting for Kelly to walk into the living room. She did a moment later, acknowledging him with a small nod. She tossed her purse on the couch and shrugged out of the leather jacket she had on. He watched her sadly; she looked good dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He missed getting to see her like this. 

"So what brings you here?" asked Kelly, toeing off her tennis shoes before sitting on the couch across from him. 

"I thought we should talk," Joey said carefully, trying to sense her mood. "It's been a few days." 

"Yeah," Kelly rested her head on the back of the couch. "You should have called. What if the girls had been here?" 

"It's 10:30 in the morning, Kel. They're in school." 

"One of them could have been sick." 

Joey sighed. "Fine. I should have called. Next time I'll call before coming back to my own house." 

Kelly looked over at him, her jaw tight. "You don't have to be so damn condescending about things, Joseph." 

Joey ran his hand through his hair, seething silently. Kelly got up and walked into the kitchen. He heard her open the cabinet to get a glass and then the sound of running water. 

"You want something to drink?" 

"I'm fine," Joey called back, rubbing his temples. He had to keep a cool head during all of this. He wasn't going to be the one to break. 

Kelly came back into the living room, folding her legs underneath her. She sipped from the glass, looking over the rim at him. Joey didn't look back at her. 

"Okay," Kelly finally said, setting the glass on the coffee table. "We both know that you're being very stubborn about the trip to France." 

"What do you want me to do, Kel? I want to be around Briahna for her birthday and I can't go to Paris. I'll be in rehearsals for Sweeney Todd." 

"You're always in rehearsals or performances. How about paying attention to your family?" 

"That's it," Joey said angrily, finally looking over at her. "I've given up so much to stay in New York so I can be around the girls all the time. You know that." 

"There's more to being a parent then just being there, Joey," Kelly said, her voice tired. This wasn't the argument they wanted to be having, but this one always worked to get them started. 

"My girls love me," Joey said quietly but firmly. "And you know that." 

Kelly nodded, reaching for her water again. "I know. I just. I don't want to do this, Joey. Not now. Can't we just." She waved a hand around. "Can't we just pretend for a little while?" 

Joey moved to sit on the couch next to her, putting an arm around Kelly's shoulder. He pressed a kiss to her temple before resting her forehead against his own. She brought up her free hand, resting it against Joey's cheek and holding him close. 

"I love you," Kelly said softly. "But I don't know if I can live with you anymore." 

"Let's just try the counseling again," Joey whispered. "Once more. I'm not ready to give this up." 

"Joey," Kelly pulled back. "I hate that. Therapy will not make us better. We love each other and we love our kids, but we can't live together. It's that simple. We need to be able to live our own lives." 

"Not yet," Joey said, grabbing her arms. "Please, Kel. One last time. Just try for me." 

Kelly sighed heavily, resting her head on Joey's shoulder, her face pressed against his neck. He smoothed a hand down her spine, so familiar and comforting for both of them. How could he give this up? 

"Okay," Kelly finally said. She lifted her head to look at him. "But I can't promise how hard I'm going to try, Joey. This isn't what I want to do." 

"But you'll try?" Joey asked hopefully. 

"I'll try." 

Joey let out a long, slow breath. He rested his head against hers again. "Can I come home?" 

Kelly shook her head. "Not yet. I can't. Not yet." 

"That's fine," Joey said, stroking her arm lightly. "I'm staying at Lance's penthouse. He's up here with Cole. Ryan's working on some big case so he decided to come here to be with him." 

Kelly set her water down, moving closer to Joey. Her fingers trailed along the side of his neck. "How's Cole?" 

"Happy as a clam. Lance bought him a red matchbox car like the one Ryan drives. He adores it and spends ages pushing the car around the house saying he's poppy." 

Kelly laughed, pressing a kiss to Joey's jaw. "He's a great kid. Lance and Ryan are doing a fantastic job with him." 

"Lance has the patience of a saint. He survived living with all of us for years. He can handle a three year-old," Joey turned his head and captured her lips, kissing her roughly. "Upstairs?" 

"Yeah," Kelly nodded, already up and moving, her fingers wrapped around his wrist tightly. Joey stumbled after her, refusing to think about what they had just decided and what they were about to do.

Joey really hated thinking about the contradictions he lived with every day.

 

* * *

 

"Rehearsals start tomorrow?"

Joey looked over at Lance, nodding a little. He handed the joint back to him, holding the sweet smoke in his lungs before exhaling. They were sitting on the balcony of the penthouse, looking at the lights of the city. They couldn't see stars, but they didn't expect to either. 

"Six hour days," said Joey, yawning a little. "Seven days a week. We've got compressed rehearsal time because of budget shit." 

"You need to get off Broadway," Lance said, pinching the joint between his thumb and forefinger. "Take some of the movies offers I keep sending your way. Get out of New York." 

"Nope. My kids are here." 

Lance just handed the joint back to him, looking out on the night. Joey finished the joint, stubbing out the end in the ashtray on the balcony. Sasha had made it for Lance last Christmas. His kids were big on giving their own homemade gifts to their uncles. 

"I miss this," Lance finally said, breaking the silence. He sighed heavily and looked over at Joey. "Do you ever get bored with your life?" 

"I get tired of this endless cycle I'm trapped in with Kelly," Joey answered softly. "But I don't think my life qualifies as boring. Why?" He looked back at Lance. "You bored with your life?" 

"Three year-olds aren't exactly the most stimulating conversationalists, although he is getting better," Lance said dryly. "I just wish Ryan was around more. I'm starting to get why the whole traveling constantly thing was tough on him when I was still doing it." 

"I'm sorry, man," Joey said seriously. "Any clue when his caseload is going to lighten up?" 

"Not for awhile. Have you been following the legislation they're trying to pass right now?" 

"Not as much as I should be," Joey admitted. "Especially since it affects your life so much." 

"It's a continuation of the marriage act that got turned down last year. They're taking an abbreviated version where they're just asking for the same legal status as married couples. The thing is they're taking it to the New York Supreme court at the same as they're taking it to the California Supreme Court. They call it a two-prong attack. I call it suicide for the lawyers, but I'm not part of the decision making process" Lance trailed off momentarily. "We're just the poster family for the movement to legalize gay marriages." 

"It'll all work out fine," Joey promised. "When this is over, things'll calm down and Ryan will come home and the three of you can be a family again." 

"Let's talk about something else," Lance said abruptly. He inhaled slowly, closing his eyes against the lights of the city. "It's been ages since we've gotten high together." 

"Well you know how Justin would get" Joey waved his hand. "Not important. But yeah. You and me. We gotta do this more." 

"Well not too often," Lance laughed, looking over at him. "Lord knows what kind of trouble I'd get into if I started smoking up regularly again." 

"Ryan?" 

Lance shook his head. "Not so much him, but the whole poster family image. I hate being a symbol for gay families. All I want to do is raise my son right without the spotlight on him, but I can't seem to do that. You know, when Justin was talking about writing that book I asked him not to put in anything about Cole. Silly considering his face is on posters along with mine and Ryan's." 

"Lance, if this doesn't make you happy, why are you doing it?" 

Lance sighed, sitting forward. "Because it's important. I'm not a second-class citizen because I'm gay. I've been with Ryan for almost seven years, but I can't marry him because the states I live in don't recognize our union. You and Kelly are recognized as a married couple anywhere you go, but unless Ryan and I are in Vermont, Pennsylvania or Massachusetts, we're not legally recognized as a couple. I'm sick of it." 

Joey clasped Lance's shoulder firmly. "You're still not the only family who could do this, you know." 

"I'm still famous enough for it to matter," Lance reminded him. He paused, looking towards the living room. Ryan was moving around inside, taking off his suit jacket. "He's home early." 

Joey turned to look inside, smiling when Ryan headed on over to the balcony, sliding the door open and coming out to join them. 

"Hey," Ryan said, sitting down in between Lance's legs and leaning back to kiss him. He frowned. "Lance?" 

"Hmm?" 

"I thought you weren't going to do that if Cole was home." 

"He's asleep," Lance promised. "Besides, it was only one joint. And I shared it with Joey so I'm not even really stoned." 

Ryan sighed, leaning back against Lance and closing his eyes. "Fine. Too tired to argue anyway. Hey, Joey." 

"Hey, Ryan," Joey said comfortably. He liked Ryan a lot because he made Lance really happy and he was a great father to Cole. The whole gay rights activist lawyer for GLAAD thing was just a bonus. "Look, why don't the two of you go to bed. I'll be up for awhile in case Cole wakes up."

Ryan opened one eye to look at him. "You sure?" 

Joey leaned forward and swatted Ryan's knee lightly. "Go. Both of you."

Lance smiled at him gratefully, letting Ryan pull him to his feet. "Thanks, Joey. I totally owe you one." 

Joey waved his hand dismissively. "You're letting me sleep in your spare room. I'm the one who owes you. Now go before I change my mind." 

Ryan laughed, poking Lance in the small of his back. "Move it, cowboy. I want to take advantage of this opportunity to fall asleep on you mid-sex." 

Lance jumped a little, laughing as well. "You are such a sweet-talker." 

"Yeah, yeah," Ryan opened the door, holding it open for Lance. "That's why you lo - ." His voice cut off as he shut the door. Joey leaned back against the chair, looking at the lights of the city and moving the baby monitor closer to him. It was a beautiful night out.

 

* * *

 

" I worry that we're never going to be able to be a family again," Joey said, shifting on the couch. "The constant flux in our situation is really damaging the girls as well as the two of us. I want us to be a family again." 

Dr. Riviera nodded sagely, turning her attention to Kelly. "And how do you feel, Kelly?" 

"I think that Joey needs to accept that we can't live together anymore," Kelly said, not looking at Joey. "I feel trapped when he's in the house, like I can't be myself anymore." 

"Why do you let him back in the house after a few weeks?" 

Kelly sighed heavily, resting her elbow on the arm of the chair. "The girls miss him. And I miss him." 

"Do you feel like you're only holding onto the marriage for your children?" 

"Who are you asking?" asked Kelly. 

"I'm asking both of you actually," Dr. Riviera scribbled something on her notepad. "But why don't you go first, Kelly." 

"I think we only got married for the children. What we had before was working just fine. We lived together, but Joey traveled all the time. I split my time between Orlando and New York before finally settling here right before Sasha was born and Briahna started school. Then after Sasha was born, Joey wanted to get married, so we did. And I honestly think it was only for the children." 

"Interesting," Dr. Riviera said non-committally. "Joey?" 

"I married her because I love her," Joey said forcefully. "It wasn't for the kids, but yeah, I feel like we're just holding onto the marriage for the kids." 

"Do you still love each other?"

Joey looked over at Kelly, meeting her gaze. She looked away first, making Joey deflate slightly. "Yeah, I love her." 

"Kelly?" 

"I love him," Kelly said quietly. 

Dr. Riviera set aside her notepad, crossing her legs and smiling at both of them. "Have you ever heard of Schopenhauer's porcupines?" 

"Porcupines?" 

"Hear me out," Dr. Riviera said quickly. "Schopenhauer's porcupines form the basis for Freud's theory of psychological boundaries. Porcupines, as we know, are all covered with sharp pointy spines. Right? And this presents, you could call it, a dilemma of intimacy. Because, when it gets cold, as it often does in Porcupine Land, the porcupines huddle together to get a little heat-buzz going. But then they get poked by each other's pointy quills. So they move apart. And then they start freezing to death. So... you get the idea: jab-brrr-jab-brrr-jab-brrr-jab-brrr-jab-brrr-jab-brrr-jab-brrr... And so on, ad infinitum. Never unpricked and yet never quite warmed to the cockles." 

Joey and Kelly exchanged glances. 

"Essentially what's being described is the inability to deal with the other person's proximity despite a desire for intimacy," Dr. Riviera explained. "It's a common phenomenon in families, even between husbands and wives. I suppose you can say especially between husbands and wives. You come together for warmth, but you prick each other and have to back away. The two of you have a classic porcupine reaction when you're around each other for too long of a period." 

"But porcupines quills are only out when they're attacked," Joey pointed out. "Isn't that theory a little flawed?" 

"It's very flawed," Dr. Riviera admitted. "But the whole psychological boundaries issue isn't flawed. Think of the porcupines as a metaphor for your relationship with each other." 

"Okay," Kelly said. "So we prick each other and back away repeatedly. How do we fix that?" 

"Well we work on why you're pricking each other," Dr. Riviera said. "That can take some time." 

"We've got time," Joey said, looking over at Kelly. She didn't look back at him, her attention on Dr. Riviera. "We're here because we want to work on our marriage." 

"Good," Dr. Riviera smiled warmly at both of them. "I want to start with some one-on-one sessions before we do group sessions again. I need to see where both of you are at and I can't do that with both of you here." 

"Okay," Joey said easily. "Tell me when." 

"Yeah," Kelly echoed, her voice distant. "We can schedule some times." 

"Good," Dr. Riviera said again. "The two of you can make appointments with my secretary outside. I hope that we can have a productive relationship." 

Joey stood up, holding out his hand. "Thank you, Doctor." 

Kelly stood up as well, pulling her purse into her arms and hugging it. She nodded a little at Dr. Riviera before walking out of the room. 

"Hey," Joey said, catching up to her. "You want a ride home or anything?" 

Kelly shook her head. "Thanks, but I have plans. Make sure the girls are home in time for dinner." 

Joey watched her walk out of the office without making an appointment. He rubbed his forehead, slinking over to the secretary to make his own appointment with a heavy heart.

 

* * *

 

Joey sat down on his parents bed, reaching over to pat his father's thigh. Joe turned to look at him, his eyes glassy and unfocused.

"You gotta stop doing this, Dad," Joey said gently, not wanting to startle his father any. "You're scaring the crap out of Mom." 

"Just forgot," Joe slurred slightly, his head lolling against the pillow. "Didn't mean to scare her." 

Joey leaned forward and adjusted the oxygen flow going to his father's nasal catheter. "Don't be such a stubborn ass about needing oxygen. You were turning blue when she found you this morning." 

Joe waved his hand loosely. "No big deal." 

"Dad," Joey said gently, reaching for the flailing hand. "It is a big deal. You know that it's a big deal." 

"I don't want to talk about it," Joe said, pulling his hand away. "I have a tape of the '89 Superbowl in the VCR. Want to watch with me?" 

Joey sighed and moved to sit next to his father, leaning against the headboard. "Sure, Dad. That sounds great."

 

* * *

 

Joey leaned against the dentist's chair, talking with one of his co-stars, a man he'd worked with years before in RENT, Sebastian. It was nice to be in a show with at least one person he knew these days. Lately he'd been getting cast in shows to increase their revenue which meant all the other newest Broadway hopefuls and himself. 

The director was working with a couple of the other cast members, ironing out the last few details before they went on that night. The show had been running smoothly since they opened two weeks before, but in the eyes of this director there was always room for improvement. 

"He's feeling good," Joey said, taking the offered bottle of water from Sebastian. "They said he can get out of bed for a little bit each day. I'm not sure if that'll make things easier on my mom or not." 

Sebastian laughed, shaking his head. "I bet he's itching to be moving again." 

"You know my dad," Joey said, handing him the water back. "Always doing something. These past few months have been hell on all of us. In theory he'll be back on his feet when the girls and Kelly get back from Paris on Sunday." 

"Joey!" 

Joey turned to look, shading his eyes with his hands. "Yeah?" 

"There's someone here to see you." 

Joey rolled his eyes, clapping Sebastian's shoulder. "Back in a sec, man." He hopped off the stage and ambled up the aisle to a man in a suit standing with one of the stage managers. 

"What's up, Stephie?" 

Stephie shrugged. "This guy said he needed to see you. Said it was important." She gave him a little smile before walking away. 

"I'm Joey Fatone," Joey held out his hand politely. "What can I do for you?" 

The man put a manila envelope in his hand instead of shaking it. "I'm sorry, but consider yourself served. Have a good day." 

Joey stood there with the envelope in his hand as the man walked out of the theatre. He looked down at the legal sized envelope, his hand shaking violently as he sunk down into one of the seats. 

"Shit," he rubbed his forehead, the envelope on his lap now. He knew what was inside the envelope; Kelly was always the queen of bad timing. He pulled out his cell phone, hitting the number 1, listening to the phone ring. He knew Kelly wouldn't pick up, didn't even consider that an option. He heard the beep for her voicemail. "Nice job getting yourself out of the country when you had the papers delivered to me. I'm not signing them." 

Joey hung up the phone and shoved it back in his pocket. He opened the envelope and pulled the sheaf of papers out enough to see that yes, they were divorce papers. He shoved them back in the envelope, getting up and heading down the aisle to the director. 

"Excuse me," Joey said, interrupting the conversation. "Look, Larry, I gotta go. Call in my understudy for tonight." 

"Joey, I can't let you go - " 

Joey ignored him, already walking back up the aisle. A moment later, he slammed the door behind him, leaving everyone staring in his wake. 

"Can someone please tell me what the hell just happened?" Larry shouted, looking around at the rest of the cast. "Stephie!" 

 

* * *

 

"Give me another, Roxie," Joey said, chewing on a handful of peanuts. He sniffed a little, handing her his glass. "You make the best drinks." 

The drag queen behind the bar laughed as she took his glass. "Honey, you're drinking beer." 

"It's a damn good beer," Joey said, smiling at her. "Hey, is that a new wig?" 

"Yes it is." Roxie set his beer in front of him, leaning on her elbows to meet him at eye level. "Honey, who shit in your cereal this morning?" 

Joey sighed a little, shrugging. "I should have just stayed in bed today so the cereal wasn't even out to be shit in." 

"Oh, honey," Roxie ruffled his hair, smiling at him gently. "Why don't you get out there and dance a little? It'll make you feel better." 

"Tonight's not a dancing night," Joey said firmly. "Tonight is a drinking night. You'll put me in a cab at the end of the evening, right Roxie?" 

"Sure thing, honey," Roxie pressed a kiss to his cheek, wiping off the glittery scarlet lipstick mark when she pulled back. "Maybe then you'll tell me what's going on." 

"Hopefully I'll still keep my mouth shut despite the high alcohol content," Joey quipped dryly. "Go do your job, sexy." 

Roxie wiped off the counter in front of him before sauntering off the other end of the bar. Joey followed her exit, marveling at the way she could walk in spiked heels. He sighed heavily, looking down at his glass of beer. He knew that he'd get a call from Lance eventually since he'd put the envelope with the divorce papers on Lance's office door using a dart. He needed to let Lance know that he was going drinking and showing him the divorce papers was the best way to let him know why. 

"Fancy seeing you here." 

Joey lifted his head slightly to look over at Nick. "It's your wife's club, Nick." 

Nick laughed, sitting down next to Joey. "Yeah, but I'm not always here. Besides, I haven't seen you here in months. Not since the birthday party I threw for myself that you crashed." 

"Your birthday is my birthday," Joey turned a little to face him, giving him a little smile. "I show up on slow nights and bug Roxie. Things have been a little crazy lately." 

"Tell me about it," Nick said, waving to Roxie. She immediately put a bottle of water in front of him and refilled Joey's beer. "So why are you drowning your sorrows?" 

"Kelly's divorcing me," Joey said quietly. 

"Shit," Nick breathed out. "I'm sorry, Joey." 

"It's been a long time coming," Joey admitted, leaning his head against Nick's shoulder. "That's why I came to see you." 

"You came to drink beer, watch Roxie and listen to incredibly annoying pop music," Nick said. "I just happen to be here." 

"No," Joey said, reaching for his hand and lacing their fingers together. "How's Eva?" 

"Divorcing me as well," Nick admitted. "We're in the holding stage though. Trying marriage counseling." 

"Yeah so were we," Joey said, lifting his beer and toasting Nick. "Here's to impending bachelorhood. Shit, I don't even remember what that's like." 

"Well, I was one fairly recently," Nick said, rubbing the scruff on his chin. "I seem to remember casual sex, drinking, and partying." 

Joey laughed. "So it's basically just like things are now except a lot more sex, drinking, and partying." 

"I'll drink to that," Nick said, holding up his water. 

"Oh no, no," Joey shook his head, waving to Roxie. "You need a real drink to toast to sex, drinking, and partying. Roxie, get us something strong." 

Roxie waved her hand in his direction and proceeded to pour them two shots of whiskey each, balancing them on her forearm. "Here you go, honey." She leaned over to kiss Nick's cheek. "Evening, darling." 

"Evening, Roxie," Nick said, wiping away the lipstick himself. "How's business down here?" 

"Busy and cute," Roxie gestured to the other end of the bar. "That's a whole lot of pretty down at that end of the bar." 

Both Nick and Joey looked, each holding a shot of whiskey in their fingers. Joey whistled lowly. "Why are you hanging out with us, Roxie? Go flirt some more." 

"On my way, honey. You both be good." Roxie joked, leaving the bottle of whiskey with them. Again, Joey watched her walk away, swaying easily despite the heels. 

"I never coulda been a drag queen," Nick said, licking his fingers from spilled whiskey. "Damn good thing I just hire them instead." 

"Why do you guys only hire drag queens?" Joey asked, looking around again. The DJ, the bouncers, the waitresses, the bartenders, and the hired dancers were all drag queens even though it wasn't a strictly gay or drag club. 

"Notoriety," Nick said, tapping his shot glass against Joey's. "It was Eva's idea." 

"It's definitely worked," Joey said, holding up the glass. "To sex and drag queens." 

"To sex and drag queens," Nick said in agreement. He took the shot smoothly, barely wincing at the harsh burn of the whiskey down his throat. "What did she give us?" 

Joey grabbed the bottle, pulling it over. "Glenfidditch." 

"Works for me," Nick refilled their glasses. "To divorce." 

Joey winced at that, but lifted the glass. "To divorce." He did the shot, setting the glass down on the bar. "I don't really want to get a divorce, Nick." 

"Do you really think you can hold the marriage together much longer?" asked Nick seriously, leaning in close.

"Kelly doesn't really want to try," Joey paused, listening to the music. "Oh god. Is this what I think it is?" 

"Did you really think 'Bye, Bye, Bye' was ever going to die out?" Nick laughed. "Neesha, the weekend DJ, likes to play 'Everybody' whenever I show up at the club." 

"Ouch," Joey winced. "The least she could do was play something from your albums and not ancient boyband music." 

"Let's have another drink and forget our past," Nick said, pouring another. "It's the best we can do while they play the retro stuff. Just wait until they start blasting the Britney. 'Slave' is still really popular among this crowd." 

"Scary," Joey took the offered drink, feeling much more mellow then he had a few minutes earlier after a number of beers. "Why do you do this to yourself?" 

"It's a living," Nick said, clinking his glass to Joey's. "We've all got to make a living some way or another. I'm sick of performing, so I run this place. You haven't lived until you've interviewed drag queens for bouncer positions." 

"I think I'll take your word for it," Joey said. "You're going to let me get really drunk tonight, right?" 

"Oh yeah," Nick said, draining his glass again. "And I'm going to join you." 

"Damn good thing I already made Roxie promise she'd take care of me at the end of the night," Joey laughed, leaning against Nick again and singing softly to himself. "It's ain't no lie, baby. Bye, bye, bye." 

 

* * *

 

Joey woke up suddenly, his eyes bleary and stuck together. His mouth tasted like an ashtray and as he pulled himself to a sitting position, he began to cough loudly. The lump in the bed next to him shifted, but didn't wake up. Joey cautiously pulled down the blanket just enough to see the blond head resting on the pillow, sleeping the sleep of the drunk. 

Nick. 

Well, it could be worse. That also explained the ache when he moved, the muscles pulling after being overused. He groaned lowly and pulled himself out of the bed, throwing on a pair of boxers and hoping they were his. 

The clock said 4:30, which seemed about right to Joey. He couldn't remember when they left the club, but maybe Nick would. He could smell coffee when he stumbled out into the hallway which meant that Ryan was awake, possibly Lance as well. That was not a pleasant thought.

"You look like hell," Ryan commented from the kitchen table, papers spread across the surface, half-empty mugs of coffee scattered around the room. "Drink some water and take a couple of aspirin." 

"Sorry," Joey mumbled, getting out a bottle of water and draining it in a few long swallows. "I didn't wake you, did I?" 

"Haven't gone to sleep yet," Ryan admitted, leaning back and looking at him. "You didn't notice that when you came in though. How's Nick?" 

Joey flushed under Ryan's scrutiny, filling the water bottle again. "He's sleeping. I didn't wake Cole, did I?" 

"No," Ryan said, getting up and grabbing another mug. He filled it with more coffee, making a face when he tasted how burnt it was. "You're lucky about that. I don't need Cole waking up while you're fucking some guy in the room next to his." 

"It wasn't like that," Joey protested, leaning against the counter. "I don't know what it was actually." 

Ryan reached over and squeezed Joey's shoulder. "You needed to blow off some steam. At least it was someone trustworthy. He won't tell Kelly." 

"She's divorcing me anyway," said Joey softly. "She doesn't get a say in who I fuck anymore." 

"I saw the papers," Ryan poured out the carafe of coffee, running water in it to clean it out. "She's suing you for custody of the girls as well." 

Joey nodded, handing Ryan a clean filter and the coffee. "I need a good lawyer to fight for them. I don't want to give up custody when it's not my fault we're getting divorced. She's the one that's not going to work on the relationship anymore." 

"Sour grapes, man," Ryan remarked. "Because let's be honest, you've been trying to figure out how to divorce her without losing custody for years. She just took that step you've been dragging your feet on." 

"It's not like that," Joey said, glaring at him. "What do you know anyway? It's not like you're around to see what's going on. Hell, you're barely around for your own family!" 

"My family understands," Ryan said coolly, not allowing Joey to bait him. "You want some coffee or are you going to go pass out again?" 

"How busy are you?" asked Joey, twisting the bottle in his hands. He looked at the papers everywhere and the haggard expression on Ryan's face. 

"I'm pretty busy," he admitted, scooping coffee into the filter. "I have to finish a brief before 7 so I can send it over to the judge before we resume court today. Sleeping isn't an option." 

"If sleeping isn't an option, talking isn't either," Joey patted Ryan's shoulder as he walked past him. "We'll talk eventually." 

"Don't forget the aspirin," Ryan said, smiling at him wanly. 

"I won't," Joey wandered back down the hall, his head still fuzzy, but feeling a little better because of the water. He saw Lance walk across the hall, half-asleep to Cole's bedroom. Joey could hear Cole fussing inside. He duck back into his bedroom and saw Nick leaning against the headboard, looking over at him. 

"Hey." 

"Hey," Nick said, his voice hoarse. He coughed a little to clear his throat. "What time is it?" 

"Late or early," Joey sat down on the bed next to him, handing him the water. "It's almost 5."

Nick groaned, taking a long drink of the water. "Eva's gonna kill me." 

"Just tell her you crashed here because we went out after we left the club," said Joey, coughing himself. "Roxie'll back us up." 

"Yeah," Nick handed him the water back. "Fuck, my ass hurts." 

"Sorry," Joey said, chagrined. "Mine does too." 

Nick chuckled and leaned against him, his eyes closing again. "It was a hell of a lot of fun though. Been a long time since I've been with a guy." 

"Me too," Joey admitted, setting the water aside. "Not since I got married. Before that we both screwed around." 

"Not me and Eva. The first day I met her, I swore off women. She was my whole world," Nick sighed heavily. "I don't want to get divorced either."

"Then don't let it happen," Joey said, turning enough to wrap himself around Nick. "You can keep it from happening to you. I wish I could keep it from happening to me." 

"You're not giving up are you?" Nick pressed his lips to Joey's shoulder, tasting the salt of his skin. 

Joey shuddered slightly, shaking his head. "I won't lose my family." 

"Good," Nick lifted his head and captured Joey's lips in a searing kiss. He pulled back when he started seeing stars, looking at Joey seriously. "We can't really do this anymore." 

"So what," Joey smiled a little. "One night every six years?" 

"Sounds good to me," Nick yawned again and leaned his head against Joey's shoulder. "Can we just sleep in tomorrow?"

"Cole tends to scream along to TV shows way too early in the morning," Joey said, his voice drifting as well. "But we can sure as hell try." 

 

* * *

 

Joey locked the doors of the car after he got out. His space was still available in the parking garage of their apartment building luckily. He hated having to fight for parking on the street. Kelly's car was next to his. He had an insane urge to kick it as he walked by, but he resisted. He was the one paying for the car anyway. 

The ride in the elevator was slow and Joey watched every number change as he went up. The elevator dinged when it stopped on his floor and Joey stepped out, unlocking the door to his home. As soon as he opened the door, he heard laughter and music playing. Joey's heart swelled happily and he hurried into the living room, grinning at the sight of Sasha and Briahna dancing with each other.

"Daddy!" Sasha made a beeline to him, jumping into his arms and wrapping her own arms around his neck. He hugged her tightly, closing his eyes and sighing happily. She squirmed out of his arms and tugged on his hand. "Want to see what I got in Paris?" 

Joey knelt down and knocked her jaw lightly with his fist, grinning. "I will in a minute. I still have another hug to give." 

Sasha grinned and knocked his jaw back, letting go of his hand. "I'll go get everything ready in my room." 

Joey watched her run out before turning to Briahna. She had an odd expression on her face, a combination of sadness and excitement. 

"I wasn't sure if you were going to come over," Briahna said quietly. "Mommy said that you were mad at us." 

"Oh, Brie," Joey held out his arms to her, happy that she immediately moved into them. "I'm not mad at either of you at all. Some things changed with Mommy and me while the three of you were gone. But I promise that I will never stop loving you and Sasha." 

Briahna gripped Joey tightly, her small fingers digging into his sides. "Are you getting a divorce?" 

Joey exhaled slowly and nodded. "Yeah, I think we are." 

Briahna let go of him and looked Joey in the eye. "Don't tell Sasha yet. Not until you're sure." 

Joey smoothed his thumb across Briahna's right eyebrow, meeting her serious gaze. "Why not?" 

"Because she's a little girl and she's happy right now," Briahna said quietly. "Don't upset her unless you have to. Please, Daddy." 

Joey blinked rapidly and nodded. "Okay. I'll tell Mommy that too." 

Briahna gave him a sad smile, only a ghost of her normal, happy self. 

Joey hated himself for making her look like that. He brushed his hand over her hair before standing up and taking her hand. "Let's go see what Sasha got." 

"Clothes," Briahna rolled her eyes. "Uncle JC doesn't even like clothes as much as Sasha does." 

Joey laughed at the exasperated tone of Briahna's voice and knew without having to ask that Kelly and Sasha dragged Briahna into way too many clothing stores in Paris. Usually when they all went on vacation, Kelly and Sasha shopped while he and Briahna went sight-seeing. 

"Look, Daddy," Sasha gushed, pulling him into her bedroom. Joey's eyes widened at all the clothes Sasha had out on her bed. "Clothes." 

"They're lovely," Joey said, sitting on the couch with Briahna next to him. "Are you gonna show them off for us?" 

Sasha grinned widely and nodded, hopping onto the bed and picking up the first dress and explaining how perfect it was and why she liked the flowers. Joey looked over at Briahna, smiling at the smile on her face. Even though Briahna hated clothing and shopping, she always sat through her sister's fashion shows with him. 

"Try that one on for us, Sash," Briahna said helpfully. Sasha broke into a wide smile and carried an outfit into her bathroom to change. Briahna looked over at him, patting Joey's arm lightly. "Thank you for coming over, Daddy." 

"No place else I'd rather be, baby doll. No place I'd rather be." 

 

* * *

 

Joey sat down at the kitchen table across from Kelly, a cup of tea between his hands. She had a cup between her hands as well, her eyes fixed on the tea. He coughed slightly and shifted in the chair. 

"You bought Sasha some really cute clothes," Joey said, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence. "A lot of clothes." 

"I have free reign with our checking account, Joey," Kelly said defensively. "We've never set a spending limit for the girls." 

"I wasn't saying anything about the amount of money you spent," Joey said, taking a deep breath. "I'm just worried about you spoiling her." 

"It's not spoiling her. You do the same thing when you and Briahna go to comic book shops and music stores." 

"Okay, okay," Joey held up his hands. "Let's not fight about this." 

Kelly took a deep breath and nodded, sipping her tea. Joey took a drink of his tea as well, thinking that he really hated jasmine tea after all of these years living with Kelly. 

"I didn't know they were going to serve the papers while I was out of town," Kelly said quietly. "I didn't want that." 

"Sure," Joey said, not believing her for a second. "You do know I'm going to fight you for custody of them. I am not losing my kids." 

"This doesn't have to turn messy, Joey," Kelly said softly. "We live in the same town. I'm not planning on uprooting the girls and going anywhere else. We can let them choose who they want to be with and when." 

"Then why are you suing me for custody of them?" 

"Someone has to be their legal guardian," Kelly pushed her tea away. "It just makes sense that it's me. You are out of town on occasion." 

"I don't want to talk about them right now," Joey said, changing the subject. "I'm guessing you want the apartment?" 

"I don't want the house in Orlando though," Kelly said helpfully. "I just figured it was easier if I kept this and you got a new place." 

"Because you don't expect the girls to want to be with me," Joey finished her unspoken statement. 

Kelly pursed her lips. "I didn't say that." 

"You didn't have to," Joey stood up, pushing his chair away angrily. "I'm going to go spend some more time with my kids and then I'm going to go do my show tonight." He turned his back to her, walking away. He paused at the doorway, looking back at her briefly. "Oh, and I hate jasmine tea."

 

* * *

 

Joey didn't sign the papers. He left them in the bedroom at Lance's and ignored them. He didn't tell anyone about the divorce outside of Lance, Ryan, and Nick. He didn't even tell his parents because he didn't want to add to their already high stress levels. 

When he started receiving phone calls from friends about how sorry they were about the divorce, but how it was for the best, he got a little suspicious. And the only person who could be blamed was Lance. Ryan didn't talk to anyone right now; he was just too busy. And Nick was the perfect person to tell a secret. He never opened his mouth. So that left Lance. 

The phone call from Emmanuelle was the last straw. After he hung up with her, he stalked down to Lance's office and just walked in, slamming the door behind him. 

Lance looked up, his expression startled. "Joey?"

"So," Joey said conversationally, the anger simmering just below the surface. He sat down across from Lance. "I just got off the phone with Emmanuelle, who I haven't talked to in close to three years. She called to tell me that she was so very sorry about the divorce, but she really thought it was for the best. Ironically, she's probably the fifteenth person to call and say the exact same thing to me. Now here's the really funny part of this story, Lance. I didn't tell anyone about the divorce except for Ryan, Nick, and yourself." 

Lance coughed politely, closing his laptop and rubbing the back of his neck. "I may have mentioned it to Zoë when she called the other day." 

"Why did you do that, Lance?" Joey sighed heavily, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I really didn't want people to know." 

"I'm sorry," Lance said honestly. "She asked and I just told her. It wasn't my place, I know, but I can't take it back now." 

"I don't want people telling me that this is a good thing," Joey said softly. "That it's the right thing for me to do." 

"But  " Lance trailed off, seeing the defeated slump of Joey's shoulders. "I'm sorry." 

Joey's voice was heavy when he began to talk again, seemingly not hearing Lance's apology. "I don't want to get a divorce and none of you seem to understand that. I'm losing my wife, my kids, and my home. How is this is a good thing?" 

"We just want you to be happy," Lance said quietly. "That's all." 

Joey lifted his head to look at Lance, his eyes filled with pain. "Well guess what? This doesn't make me happy." 

 

* * *

 

"Just give me a little help," Joe said, tugging on the oxygen tank. "I think the damn thing is stuck on something." 

Joey sighed and bent down, moving the dog out of the way. Goldie lifted her head and yawned at Joey's actions, not caring that she'd been moved. 

"Thanks," Joe said, pulling the tank behind him as he headed for the fridge. "Look, can you climb on that chair there and get the potato chips down from the top cabinet there. Your mom likes to hide them from me." 

Joey sat down on the chair, folding his arms over his chest. "I will not give you potato chips, Dad." 

"Spoilsport," Joe grumped, taking out a container of orange juice and pouring himself a glass. "You want some juice?" 

"Not really," Joey said, chewing on his lower lip. "I need to talk to you about something, Dad. It's important."

"Let me just sit down and turn up the hearing aids a little," Joe carried his juice over to the table, the tank wheels squeaking. He sat down and looked at Joey as he turned up the hearing aids. "So what's going on, Joey?" 

"It's about me and Kelly," Joey started off, doing his best to look at his father but failing miserably. "She filed divorce papers a few weeks ago. I think I'm going to sign them." 

"Oh, Joey," Joe said softly. 

"So yeah," Joey looked up at his father briefly. "I don't know what to say to Mom about it." 

"You know that we support whatever choice you make regarding your marriage," Joe said. "This isn't an easy decision to make. I'm sorry that it came to this." 

"Things might get a little messy because of the girls," Joey finally met his gaze. "I want custody of them and so does Kelly." 

"Do you think you can get custody of them?"

"I have as much of a chance as she does," Joey said confidently. "They're my children and I am the one who provides the financial support for them. Kelly doesn't work. She just lives off me." 

"Just let us know what you need us to do," Joe said, reaching across the table to squeeze Joey's hand. "I'll tell your mother for you." 

"Thanks, Dad. Even though I know she'll understand as well, I just don't think I can be the one to tell her." 

"She'll understand," Joe said softly.

"I'm thinking I might get a hotel room or something," Joey said. "Being at Lance and Ryan's is kind of depressing. Neither of them understand that I feel like a failure right now and they keep trying to lift my spirits and tell me that it's not my fault. Can't I just wallow in self-pity for a little while?" 

"Of course," Joe squeezed Joey's hand again. "You want me to make you a sandwich?" 

Joey laughed, looking over at his father and smiling. "Yeah, a sandwich sounds pretty good. Thanks." 

Joe stood up, making his way over to the refrigerator. "I always say you should feed a problem. Or a success. Basically just feed anyone who comes through the door." 

"Really, Dad?" Joey joked. "I hadn't noticed." 

"Oh shut up," Joe laughed, getting out homemade roast beef and a thick package of provolone cheese. "You want Mom's fresh bread or the store-bought crap?" 

"Fresh of course," Joey said, getting up to help him out. "What do you want me to get you?" 

"Ah," Joe pretended to think. "How about a nice, tasty salad with no dressing and nothing fun in it? I think your mother has one made." 

"I'll get it for you," Joey put a hand on his father's back, leaning in to kiss his cheek lightly. "Thanks for not freaking out." 

"Give me a reason to freak out and I will," Joe said seriously. "This is part of life, Joey. It's not a fun part of life, but it's part of it." 

"Okay, so basically all that had to happen was you almost dying for you to become all mystical about life?" 

"No," Joe said, slathering mayonnaise on the bread. "Me almost dying led to giving up red meat and realizing that no matter how much I wanted to believe otherwise, New York does not have the best football teams." 

"At least you learned something," Joey said, wrapping his arms around his father's waist from behind and holding on tightly. "I love you, Dad." 

"I love you too, Joey." 

 

* * *

 

"Hand me an egg roll," Nick said, pointing at the greasy bag near Joey's thigh. "One of the pork ones." 

Joey tossed him the whole bag. "I'm not sniffing the egg rolls to figure out which one is pork." 

Nick chuckled and opened the bag, poking around until he chose his poison. He broke it in half and showed it off to Joey. "It's all about intuition when it comes to figuring out which egg roll is which." 

"Sounds like a wonderful talent," Joey said dryly. "No wonder you're such a catch." 

"I'd like to remind you that you _are_ naked in my bed right now," Nick pointed out. "I have to be somewhat appealing for that." 

Joey chewed on a piece of spicy beef and shrugged. "You're damn good in bed." 

"Yes, yes I am," Nick agreed. "You're not half bad yourself."

"Why thank you," Joey offered Nick some of his beef. "When's Eva coming back from Chicago?" 

"Tomorrow," Nick wiped his hands on a napkin. "You find a lawyer yet?" 

"Ryan set me up with a guy he knows. Killer divorce attorney. Ryan swears that he can get me whatever I want." 

"That's good," Nick reached for the lo mien. "Have you signed the papers yet?" 

"No," Joey admitted. "I can't bring myself to do it." 

"Can I ask why? Because it seems like you're accepting the fact the divorce is happening. You've got a lawyer. You told me you found an apartment you like, but you won't sign the papers." 

Joey pushed his food away, leaning against the headboard and looking out the bank of windows in Nick's bedroom. It was mid-afternoon, but the grey sky hid that fact. All Joey could see was the grey sky and apartment buildings. It was depressing. 

"Joey?" Nick said gently, putting his hand on Joey's shoulder. 

"I keep thinking she'll change her mind," Joey said softly, looking over at him. "I want her to change her mind." 

Nick moved to sit next to Joey, pulling him close and resting Joey's head on his shoulder. He kissed his forehead lightly. "What if she doesn't change her mind?" 

Joey squeezed his eyes shut, turning to cling to Nick. "Don't ask me that, Nick." 

"You'll get through it," Nick said softly, holding Joey tightly. He ignored the hot tears he felt against his skin, knowing that Joey needed this. "Either way you'll get through it and you'll survive. You'll have your kids and your friends and you'll be fine, Joey. It'll just take some time." 

Joey didn't answer, his shoulders shaking in silent sobs and his fingernails digging into Nick's sides. Nick finally stopped talking and just rocked him, looking out at the grey New York afternoon and ignoring the spilled containers of Chinese food. 

 

* * *

 

Joey leaned his elbows against the balcony railing, looking out at the night sky. He heard the glass doors slide open and a moment later, he felt Lance's hand against the small of his back. 

"Hey," Joey turned a little to look at him, a small smile on his face. "Cole asleep?" 

"Finally," Lance gave him a small smile. "It took five stories, two sing-a-longs, and a glass of milk to get him to calm down. I also had to promise that Ryan would wake him up to hug him goodnight when he got home." 

"Doesn't he do that anyway?" 

Lance nodded, lighting a cigarette for himself and one for Joey. "Cole just likes to be reassured that it's going to happen." 

"I miss hugging my girls before they go to bed," Joey said quietly, accepting the cigarette. "I always come home after a show and go into their rooms and give them a kiss and hug. I never miss a night unless I'm not allowed in the house for awhile." 

Lance stayed quiet, having learned from earlier talks that Joey didn't want him to answer the majority of the time. 

"I signed the papers this afternoon," Joey moved to sit on one of the lounge chairs. "I figured it's been two and a half months since she kicked me out and almost a month since I got the papers. I don't think she's changing her mind this time." 

Lance sat down on the opposite chair, tapping the cigarette against the ashtray Sasha had made him. Joey looked over at him, tilting his head slightly. 

"I can hear you holding yourself back," Joey commented. "Say something if you want to say it."

Lance held up a hand. "I'm just here to listen right now." 

Joey snorted slightly, but let it go. "My attorney is going to file the paperwork tomorrow where I sue for custody. I think it's going to be pretty messy, Lance. But I want my girls." 

"Then you do what you have to do to get them," Lance said, knocking the ash off his cigarette again. "I will support you." 

"And I really appreciate that," Joey put out his cigarette. "I can do this, Lance. It'll be fucking hard and I'll hate myself during it, but I can do it." 

"Good," Lance squeezed his shoulder. "Crap, the phone is ringing. I'll be right back." 

Joey nodded, lighting another cigarette. He watched a plane circle in the sky, dipping behind clouds as it headed towards the airport. The glass door slid open again and Lance held the phone out. 

"It's for you." 

Joey frowned a little at the tone of voice Lance used, taking the phone. "Hello?" 

"Joey?" 

Joey closed his eyes tightly when he heard Kelly's voice. "Hi, Kelly. Is everything okay with the girls?" 

"The girls are fine," Kelly said softly. "I just. I was in bed and I was thinking about you and - " her voice broke. "Can you come home, Joey?" 

"Kel " Joey tipped forward in the chair, resting his head on his knees. "Are you asking me to come home for the night or ?" 

"I want you to come home," Kelly's voice broke again. "I made a mistake. Come home to us, Joey." 

"God, Kelly," Joey said, his voice tired. He couldn't even muster up any anger right now. "Why are you doing this to me?" 

"Because I love you," Kelly sniffled. "And I don't want the divorce. I thought I did, but I don't and please come home." 

Joey opened his eyes and saw Lance looking at him with a sad look in his eyes. He immediately shut his eyes again, not able to deal with that while he was talking to Kelly. 

"I'll come home tonight," Joey said softly. "But I can't promise I'll stay tomorrow." 

"Okay," Kelly said smally. "I love you." 

"I love you too," Joey swallowed thickly. "I'll see you soon." He hung up the phone, resting his head on his knees again. "Don't say anything." 

"I'm not going to say anything," Lance said, sitting down next to him. "Just. Be sure, Joey. That's all I'm going to say." 

Joey lifted his head, handing the phone to Lance. "I'll talk to you tomorrow." He walked off the balcony, feeling Lance's eyes on him the whole time. 

The divorce papers were sitting on the desk in the guest bedroom. Joey picked them up, looking at his signature on the front page. He closed his eyes and ripped them up, dropping them into the trashcan before picking up his duffel bag and walking out of the room. 

 

* * *

 

Joey opened the front door to the apartment, trying to be as quiet as possible. It was so late and the girls were definitely asleep. The apartment was silent except for the ice maker in the kitchen and the clock in the dining room. He set the duffel bag down in the living room and headed to Sasha's bedroom. 

Sasha was lying sprawled out in the bed, her arm clutching her stuffed cat. The blankets were around her ankles. She moved all night long and was always warm. The blankets were the first thing to go. 

Joey leaned over and kissed her forehead gently, drawing the sheet back over her small body. He ruffled the cat's fur, watching Sasha sleep for a few minutes before quietly sneaking out of her room and down to Briahna's. 

Briahna slept in a tightly curled ball, curved around a teddy bear JC had bought her when she was just a baby. Joey sat down next to her, kissing her forehead gently. Briahna stirred and opened her eyes, looking up at him. 

"Daddy?" 

"Go back to sleep, baby doll," Joey said softly, smoothing his hand over her hair. "I'll see you in the morning." 

Briahna nodded, yawning and closing her eyes. Joey doubted she would even remember this in the morning. He sat with her until she fell asleep again. 

Joey knocked lightly on his bedroom door, opening it up and looking over at the bed. Kelly rolled to face the door and lifted up the blankets for him. Joey closed his eyes, feeling his heart clench in his chest. He kicked off his shoes and took off his jeans, just leaving them in a pile on the floor. 

Kelly immediately wrapped herself around him, resting her head on his chest. Joey closed his eyes and breathed shakily. 

"Thank you for coming home," Kelly whispered. 

Joey tilted her head up and kissed her lips lightly. "I won't come back next time. This is it." 

Kelly nodded, touching his cheek with her fingertips. "It won't happen again. I promise." 

Joey didn't answer, only pulling her closer and touching the softness of her skin. He only hoped she kept her promise this time. 

* * *

 

**Epilogue**

 

Joey walked down his street to the corner, a duffel bag over one shoulder. The sun was out and it was blazing hot. He could feel sweat already trickling down his spine. He watched a couple of the neighborhood kids try to pry open a fire hydrant without any luck. There were new locks on most of the ones in this part of the city in an attempt to stop kids from playing in them.

Joey hailed a cab at the corner, dropping the duffel bag onto the seat next to him. The cab had air conditioning thankfully and he sank back into the cheap leather seats, looking out the window. 

No seasons were pretty in New York unless he counted the brief period of time after it snowed and before the snow turned brown and slushy. That was pretty. There were also occasional pretty moments during the fall and spring. Summer, however, was never pretty. It was just hot and stinky everywhere. 

The cab driver was playing an oldies station and Joey closed his eyes, listening to the sounds of Nirvana's 'Rape Me' playing quietly in the air conditioned car that took him in the direction of his parents house. 

The window glass was cool against his forehead and Joey mouthed along to the song, words he knew so well: _hate me, do it and do it again_.   
  
---  
  
 

* * *

 

>

   
  
---  
  
**Author's Note:**

> Author Notes
> 
> This story was written for the Anyone Can Whistle Challenge and is a sequel to the story I'm With You in Rockland. It's also the second part of the howl cycle. So really, this story is a lot of things at once. But mostly it's about Joey and the choices he has to live with.
> 
> The title comes from Allen Ginsberg's famous poem Howl. The lyrics chosen for the challenge are at the top of the page.
> 
> I owe a lot people thanks for this story. Most of them don't even know they contributed in the development and realization of Joey's story. They all get their credit though.
> 
> My US Lit professor for bringing up the idea of Schopenhauer's porcupines in regards to Eugene O'Neil's Long Day's Journey Into Night. It fit perfectly into Joey and Kelly's story.
> 
> Beck for writing Sea Change which provided the perfect mood for this story.
> 
> Chrissy for telling me that Briahna's reactions weren't as natural as I thought and for a fantastic beta. She asked lots and lots of questions when I was about 2/3 of the way through which led to me being able to really make the ending what it is.
> 
> Sarah for one of her beautiful betas. She fixed a ton of stuff and listened to me babble about this universe.
> 
> And finally to Dayse, my cheerleader. Without her, nothing would get finished. Thank her for seeing an ending to this story even if it's not the happy ending she wanted.


End file.
